Bring Back Pantsing!

Bring Back Pantsing!

I’ve recently de-activated my Facebook account.

It’s a great platform to promote your BS but also there is the unmistakable aura of that dweeby kid Mark Zuckerburg that pervades with a woke wand from Weenerville.

I would sometimes get kicked off Facebook for remarks I would make about super stars like Dylan Mulvaney and his ilk, but when you get right down to it, the place just gave me the creeps.

I’ve since delved more into “X, formerly known as Twitter, for my social media buzz.  Something about Elon Musk also scares me but in a weird science fiction movie kinda way.

Of course back in my day we had policies in place for folks like Mr. Zuckerberg. I’m sure as a youth, his arrogant demeanor could have used some social conditioning.

In my old neighborhood, the south side of Chicago, we would see a guy with that kind of attitude and say, “That guy needs to get pantsed!”

Rep. Adam Kinzinger, R-Ill., gets emotional as he speaks before the House select committee hearing on the Jan. 6 attack on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, July 27, 2021. (Chip Somodevilla/Pool via AP)

Take a look at former congressman Adam Kinzinger. I know almost nothing about this guy, except he loves to call Trump the Boogie Man. He’s an extremely annoying  little twit who juts out his chin and  pouts like he’s going to start crying any minute.

I apologize Adam, for generalizing you into a category of whippersnappish arrogance, but you are the Poster Boy for Pantsing.  Those were my exact words first time I saw him grimacing on TV as he called for impeaching President Trump. “This guy needs to be pantsed….like twenty years ago.” And because of that he has honed his skills as an arrogant whiner and now is a correspondent for CNN. Yeah like they needed a white Don Lemon!

“Pantsing” someone involved two or three guys grabbing a dorky guy, holding him down, removing his shoes and pants and his undies, and then releasing him into the world bottomless, while his pants would be thrown over a power line or atop the backboard of the basketball courts. Certainly in retrospect it sounds cruel, but it was also a great tool for humiliating and enlightening the occasional pain-in- the-arse twits who got on our nerves.

And in most cases it had the desired effect. The Pants victim would run around with their balls and weenie exposed to the world while everybody pointed and laughed. Next time you met them they wouldn’t act so “pimpy”.  They’d turn the corner on their personality disorders and turn out to be okay guys. They just needed to get “pantsed!”

Certainly I got pantsed myself. Ha! Plenty of times. Usually by my brothers.

When you’re the youngest of six boys, there’s going to be some hazing hi-jinks tormenting your little brother.  So don’t blame me, blame my brothers!

My brother Willie was ten years older than me and he  was one sick individual, but also very funny in his cruel intentions. Of course it wasn’t funny until it was someone else.

Willie had invented something called the “PeePaTouche”, which involved him, assisted by my brother Johnny, (aka Bobo), grabbing me spread eagle from each side and then another brother would throw a dictionary at your groin.

 I don’t think I ever endured the entire “PeePaTouche” procedure, before squirming away from my brothers. But just hearing Wille scream across the living room, “PeePaTouche Mike, get the dictionary!”, was enough to get me to jump/escape  out our front room  window.

When I was in eighth grade we were hanging out at the local public school: Kellogg, named for Kate Star Kellogg, a feisty suffragette and educator who died in 1925. I remember their principal was Miss Dooney, she looked like Mamie Van Doren after a rough night. Anyway Kellogg was usually off-limits to us kids from Christ the King parochial school across the street from Kellogg. But for some odd reason, (maybe a holy day of obligation?), there was a group of CK guys shooting baskets over at  Kellogg after school that day.

We were surrounded by Prods, our slang for Protestants. As far as we were concerned they were foreigners, Godless WASPS buzzing around the exterior of our Catholic education. We didn’t think much of it until a kid from Kellogg rode his bike by us on the basket-ball court and yelled “Feckin’ Catholics, Get Lost!”

We immediately huddled up and said, “Let’s pants that guy!”

We managed to wrangle the kid off his bike, and quickly yanked off his dungarees while he screeched like the squirrel he was.  Some older Prod guys stepped in, but when we told them what the kid said, they encouraged the continuation of the ceremonial pantsing. So, getting pantsed was a good lesson for mouthy buttholes.

Watching politics these days I see so many candidates who were obviously never pantsed and the result is the bravado of a noid.  

Guys like former Trump attorney and “confidante” Michael Cohen. Immigration boss Mayorkas should have been pantsed repeatedly starting around the age of 11. Anthony Blinken? Please pants him, but it’s too late now. See that’s the thing, these dude wipes needed to be pansted in their youth, when they could have applied the lesson they learned. But society today alas, would frown on pantsing.

Hey, you know who else needs to get pantsed? Rachel Maddow!

Probably cuz she’s always wearing pants. Too late though, to straighten her out!

You wanna save the world? Bring back “pantsing”.

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Alderman Ed Burke on Trial

Chicago, Wed. December 13, 2023
Former Alderman Danny Solis likes his hookers Asian and his Viagra free. Not exactly a candidate for canonization.
That’s all I knew about the little weasel until yesterday when I went down to the federal building for the Burke Trial with old pals Peter Nolan and Jimmy Strong.
The Feds have probably wanted to get their claws into Burke for decades cuz he’s the quintessential high profile Chicago pol. I met him through my brother Danny around 1985 when I returned home to Chicago after a career in the theatre in New York City.
I talked my way into a cushy job as the Special Events Coordinator for the newly launched State of Illinois Center, which was the controversial multi-million-dollar architectural landmark designed by the late Helmut Jahn that was on the receiving end of intense criticism from the press and public about its many flaws, especially its lack of proper air conditioning and supposedly “ugly design”.
I created a program of ethnic events year-round which invited the public to sample the cultures of Chicago’s many neighborhoods in the 800-seat auditorium, on the plaza and all over the building. We always got on the nightly news and could pretty much count on photos of my events in the front pages of the Sun-Times and Tribune.

Of course my favorite event was right around St. Patrick’s Day for “Illinois Salutes the Irish”, which featured Irish dancers, singers, police bagpipe bands and many of Chicago’s great and not so great Irish politicians. Our signature act was 14th Ward Alderman Ed Burke playing the. piano while Illinois Speaker of the House Phil Rock sang “Danny Boy” and “Galway Bay”.

I’d caught their act one night at a party at Pete Nolan’s home in Glencoe and asked Rock and Burke if they would consider bringing their act to the SOIC, now the Thompson Center. They were both very receptive and would annually pack the place with their dignified Irish American blarney.
They became my friends and while Phil Rock is now in heaven, I’ve always regarded Ed Burke as a classy guy.
So out of respect for my old friend Ed Burke, we paid a visit to his trial yesterday.
Must admit I don’t think the government has much of a case against him, especially after watching the defense attorney Chris Gair questioning former Alderman Danny Solis about setting up Burke to save his own ass from jail.
I’ve met some weasels in my day but this guy Solis takes the cake. He admitted on the witness stand that the FBI had paid him a visit years ago and that they had the goods on him and admitted on the witness stand yesterday that he had his phone tapped and that he wore a wire to trap Burke and anybody else he could net into his web of indiscretion.
Chris Gair got Solis to admit he was a liar, and that he had lied to friends, the feds, and many of his associates, including his own family.
The government has no case against Alderman Burke and they have wasted one helluva lot of taxpayers’ money, time, and good faith on this mope Danny Solis. Is that the best you got?
Best part of the day yesterday was seeing all the folks in court who were there to wish Ed and Anne Burke well and support them.
God bless them.
Merry Christmas to the scrooge feds and to you little Danny Solis, enjoy your Asian hookers you weasel.
-30-

Rahm in Ireland, YIKES!

A friend of mine in Galway sent me a link to an article in his local paper the other day. The story was about Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel visiting Ireland next week, and in particular Galway and how he was leading a group of 30 dignitaries with him. I almost puked at the thought of this phony, little twit grandstanding in Ireland as if he was someone who should be so honored. I have news for you Galway, that man is pure evil and has reigned over the complete destruction of Chicago’s good name over the last eight years as murder and shooting stats have risen in the blood soaked streets of this once great city. And what has Mayor Emanuel done to stem the tide of violence? Not a feckin’ thing.

Wake up Ireland, read my book! I worked for Rahm’s strongest challenger in the last election and have catalogued the crimes of the “tiny dancer”. If you want the inside story of dirty politics in Chicago, it’s all here in NOTHIN’S ON THE SQUARE. Available on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Nothins-Square-Mayoral-Campaign-History/dp/1619847205

Or if you’re looking for an autographed copy of the book, https://abbeyfealepress.com/

It’s a quick read and you will feel like the proverbial fly on the wall as you get a glimpse of the back room politics in action and the misdeeds of the “nine-fingered ballerina” known as Rahm.

But don’t take my word for it, listen to Chicago Tribune’s John Kass, who said, Good read by a great storyteller. Houli knows what he’s doing. This is a very good book. It was fascinating, you have to know about this book. He tells everything! He pisses people off that are friends of mine…and his! The stuff Houlihan puts out in the book, you can see how campaigns actually work. He’s an expert at that. I want you to go buy this book!

Or WGN Radio and Tribune columnist Rick Kogan, who called it, A deep dive into the wicked and wacky world of Chicago politics with a man who knows the score. An incisive, rollicking, intimate trip. Mike Houlihan is a raconteur of the first order. This is a remarkably tough look at his involvement in the last mayoral election. He minces no words here… taking on politicians, media types, and a lot of other folks. This is a unique and essential Chicago book.”

Or Tribune political columnist and political radio analyst Rick Pearson, who said it’s, Just a fun, rollicking ride of a book, which says a lot about Chicago politics. For someone who doesn’t live and breathe and follow politics it’s an excellent kind of primer, virtually no one is unscathed in this thing, I laughed when I first read it. It’s all about the various deals and side deals plus elements of a political campaign and of a street campaign. This is a good way to get into what politics IS, and how it’s still played and how it has always been played. It’s such a great inside look of truly how a campaign runs and how the campaign operatives are and the personalities that are involved.

And for those of you in Galway next week, when you see the “nine-digit midget” ask him if he’s read it, right before you shove his phony ass into the Galway Bay.

Houli’s 69th Birthday!

Censored Photo of Baby Houli getting a bath!

Today is my 69th birthday! These days a proclamation like that could get me into trouble. But it’s legit, I was born on December 16, 1948.

Soixante-neuf is how it’s pronounced in French, and the mere mention of that number has triggered wry smiles and raised eyebrows going all the way back to the Kama Sutra.

But I won’t dwell on that, not much anyway. It’s just another reminder that I’m an old fart, albeit an old fart with a helluva lot of going on. I did come across that old baby picture you see above of “Baby Houli”. Yeah, that was taken when the gal next door, Fiona, used to come over and help my mom with the kids. She used to give me a lot of special attention as the youngest of the seven kids.

My brothers tell me Fiona came over a lot and that I was her favorite…especially at bath time!

But enough of that ribaldry, I’d just like to say that I’m proud of my 69 years so far, in spite of the fact that I look like Santa Claus after he shaved. I’ve been married to a saint for almost 40 years, have two great sons, a lovely daughter-in-law and two rambunctious grandchildren who I love more than anything.  As a writer, actor, producer, journalist, radio personality, film festival founder, and flim-flam man I’m also doing okay with a career in show biz of almost 50 years.

Some folks say I’m shameless and it’s true. I’m a shameless self-promoter, but I’ve had to survive on my wits alone, unlike certain friends in the 19th Ward with three government pensions. You know who you are!

And while we’re on the subject of self-promotion, I feel compelled to plug my upcoming book signings of NOTHIN’S ON THE SQUARE. I’ll be at The Curragh Irish Pub this Sunday Dec. 17th from 4-7PM at 6705 N. Northwest Hwy in Edison Park, also at Fitzgerald’s Sidebar, 6615 Roosevelt Rd. in Berwyn on Thursday night Dec. 21st from 9-11PM with the band “Over the Side”, and for you last minute shoppers I’ll be at Mollie’s Public House 31 Forest in Riverside on Saturday, Dec. 23rd from 4-7PM. Would love to see you all and share Christmas cheer.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s my message for all of you. The other night on the street in Berwyn, (where I am the Baron), I was stopped by a Christmas angel and she asked me for dough, but I said no.

Mike Courtney, musician and owner of The Twisted Shamrock, invited me to join him and his band for a last minute bash to sell my book and share the stage with them at Fitzgerald’s this coming week. It would be another opportunity to pick up a few bucks so I leapt at it.

So Mike and I were standing in front of my building in Berwyn, as I gave him some posters for the gig. Caught up in our animated conversation we suddenly felt the presence of another in our midst on that cold December night.

A young woman stood just a few feet from us in the night looking cold. She looked tired and scared and was bundled up in a parka and pajama bottoms. “Can I help you?”, I asked, and then she went into her pitch, just got out of the hospital, got bad news, etc. could either of us spare a couple bucks? It was a familiar spiel and at first seemed like a scam so we declined.

But as she walked away I looked at her again and remembered that it was Christmas. The blessed mother was probably just about her age on a cold December night over two thousand years ago, and had been turned away with her husband Joseph as they searched for a place to give birth to the baby Jesus. As she drifted off into the darkness I immediately regretted not helping her. Later at home in bed I was haunted by her face and wished I could take that moment back. I said a prayer for that kid and vowed to help every panhandler I saw in the future. The next day I thought of her as one after another unfortunate souls hit me up in the car at streetlights all along Ogden Avenue. I handed over plenty of cash but the image of that young lady continues to haunt me.

So let’s never forget the message of every Christmas season and the good news Jesus brought with him when he told us to feed the hungry, welcome the stranger, and clothe the naked.

It’s a time of rejoicing, so reach into your pocket and spread the cheer to all who need it and especially remember “Baby Houli” when you clothe the naked!

Merry Christmas everybody!

-30-

Nothin’s on the Square

NEW BOOK PROVES POLITICS “AIN’T BEANBAG”

“NOTHIN’S ON THE SQUARE: 82 DAYS ON THE MAYORAL CAMPAIGN TRAIL, MAKING HISTORY IN CHICAGO 2015”

NOW AVAILABLE ONLINE AND WITH SELECTED RETAILERS.

Chicago, IL – July 30, 2017- Wanna know what really went on behind closed doors during the 2015 Campaign? Here it is, in all its ugly and hilarious glory. Chicagoland radio personality Mike Houlihan, former features columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times and The Irish American News, documents a behind-the-scenes look at the race for a new mayor.

Nothin’s on the Square tells the story of 82 days on the 2015 mayoral campaign trail, making history in Chicago with Chuy Garcia vs. Rahm Emanuel. “Nothin’s on the Square,” published by Abbeyfeale Press, is now available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble and other selected retailers.

Take a peek at the bare-knuckled back room brinkmanship and back-stabbing brew that propels Houlihan and company along the Chicago campaign trail, from empty candidate forums to boisterous corned beef bashes to the full Monty of both of Chicago’s St. Patrick’s Day Parades. Setting the scene with daily murder and mayhem stats from the bloody streets of the ghetto, Houlihan peels off the days of the calendar to expose history in the making, as upstart candidate Jesus “Chuy” Garcia clashes with millionaire mayor Rahm Emanuel, the evil incumbent burning through money to protect his ass and toss opponents in front of the bus. Like sausage and politics, it ain’t pretty, but this diary exposes the “warts and all” of a seldom seen world of local ward heelers in hand-to-hand combat in the trenches, with all the macabre humor and sensational characters that will forever define “Chicago politics”.

Rick Kogan of Chicago Tribune/WGN Radio calls it “A deep dive into the wicked and wacky world of Chicago politics with a man who knows the score. An incisive, rollicking, intimate trip.”

About Mike Houlihan

Mike Houlihan, former features columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times, has just finished a 20-year run as columnist for The Irish American News. He’s Chairman of Hibernian Transmedia, a public charity dedicated to Irish and Irish American culture. He began his career over 44 years ago acting with The American Shakespeare Festival in Stratford, CT performed on Broadway, Off-Broadway, on TV, and in indie features and major motion pictures. He’s also author of anthologies, “Hooliganism Stories” and “More Hooliganism Stories.” His adventures “Goin’ East on Ashland” came to life onstage in Chicago for six years running and his favorite Chicago Commandments are “Only Suckers Beef,” “Never Make Bail Under a Viaduct”, and now “Nothin’s on the Square”!

Book Launch: Tues, Aug. 22nd, 2017 at Cork & Kerry, 10614 S Western Ave, Chicago, 7:30PM. Thurs. Aug. 24th, Irish American Heritage Center, 4626 North Knox, Chicago, 7:30PM;

Mon. Aug. 28th, Beverly Art Center, 2407 W. 111th St, Chicago.7PM

Tues. Aug 29th, Duffy’s Tavern, 7513 W. Madison, Forest Park, Il. 7:30PM,

Houli will read from the book, and sign and sell copies of the book for a measly $14.95! Now available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble and other selected retailers. Limited Edition signed copies available at https://abbeyfealepress.com/